So like, I met the awesomest guy recently... well... remet-if that's a word, and became better aquainted with him. I'm not really sure what's going on, I'm kind of in, basically, a limbo area about it. I'd like more to happen, but I'm not up for getting my heart ripped out of the hole it was just thrown back into... I seem to give my heart to all the wrong people. This problem is one that I knew would exist before I began talking to him but I went ahead and took the leap. The problem arises, that.... I already knew I liked him. I already knew I probably shouldn't even go around him for fear of liking him more... and the new problem is, he's already in... maybe not fully, the part of him that's always been there maybe, but I can feel him in here... especially when he smiles, and his eyes smile too. When he talks, and tells me things I didn't know but wouldn't mind learning. His words sink into me like I knew they would... his eyes that tear through my thoughts... he wants to know what they are, so i spill them to him. So this is what it's like with someone that's so nice.... someone that I've always wanted to know, but been so scared... scared of what.... probably of what I know he can do to me. I'm burnt... I've been burnt for a while, and if I get with a guy that decides he wants to pick apart all the burnt pieces of me and see the beauty that's underneath, they just wind up throwing me into flames to get torched again. I'm afraid of that. I could chose a guy that I know can't hurt me that bad because I'm not into it like I should be... but I can't do that. I'm either in it or i'm not... and right now... I'm sitting on the line, rocking back and forth... one moment looking him in the eye... the other looking off, into a place i can't see. I don't know which way to go...

"Time to Waste"-Alkaline Trio

 You had time to waste and I'm not sorry,

 such a basket case, hide the cutlery.

I had time to kill, it's dead and buried.

You've got guts to spill but no one trustworthy.

I forgot to mention that I met someone... well, i met him a long time ago (years and years in fact) and he's been trying to get me to spend some time w/ him for a little while now... i gave in (we went to taco bell) and it's crazy how much fun i have with him. maybe i thought it would be a little weird (since i liked him so much in the day and didn't know how he felt) well, it's awesome... i feel like we got stuff in common

so... *yay*

it's been over a year since i bloged on here, i do have to say that i miss it though, I will start to do it more, especially when i get internet

<3 <3 <3~heather

I swear, i think of 2,500 things to blog throughout the day... today i wrote one down... wanna hear it? good. well this one old lady stank... so bad. she cam eover to get me from the send out counter.... i could smell her from 5 ft away.. i was scared... another customer came and yelled at me (b/c he's a prick--this is my conclusion).... He came to pick up his film... wasn't in... so i asked when he put it in (7-14 is what he wrote on the ticket), and he kept saying "well, isn't it a two-day service? probably two days ago"--like a smart ass (prick)... so i said "well, that depends on what day you put it in" and again... he said (pushing his fingers to my face) "TWO-days ago I GUESS!?" so I said "well, DEPENDING on the TIME of day you DROPPED THEM OFF. they'll be back TONIGHT (pointing to what he wrote on his ticket) at SIX-THIRTY.".... and i turned around and walked off... cause i was pissed and wasn't about to start yellin' at him for treating me like that... ugh... i hate that. now i don't know what else to write...oohhh i'll put stuff i HATE about people in my work.... customers, not employees I'll do that in my myspace: http://www.myspace.com/sterlingstars so go check it out

Loves~heather

i can't figure out where to start. went to rockfest june 10th--got stoned out of my mind--on purpose. what's the use of keeping things inside, and since i'm a girl, shouldn't i not do that... i usually don't... but maybe i'm a freak for letting these things eat into me... chadd... if you know me, you know about him, and his influence on me. june 10th... four years. four. four... and it's not any easier. every year the same thing.... god, so muich is rushing through my mind, i can't even type half of it. all these songs remind me of the way i should feel about him being gone... so i cry some more... it feels good to just cry. no one knows i'm upset, or if they do, they don't know why. i guess if they wanna know more about me, they can read these things i type. maybe i shouldn't be so personal about it, but... it's just some things that hurt me, or some things that i'm so happy about i don't want to keep it in. mostly things that i have kept in that i shouldn't--this is my way to get it out. like about chadd... what was he to me... you know... what was he, why do i feel like this? he was my friend... not my lover, boyfriend... but he was my best friend. someone i relied upon to hold me up... it had to be him. no one else was strong enough to do it... defanitly not me... but right now... after how he's changed me, he completly changed my outlook, and made me very... outgoing. and i could give a shit less what people think... now. before him i was self concious and wouldn't do ANYTHING new for fear of how i looked, or other people thought... well fuck that. and maybe i miss being held up... maybe i miss someone calling me at midnight to say "hey, you doin' alright?" just for the hell of it. someone saying "get your ass out of bed, we're going to the creek"... and if i said no, he'd come get me up and make me go. spontanaety. something that i can't duplicate. i don't like being the spontaneous one... being the one to push people. but that's me now... i had to take over. just sometimes, times like these... it's hard to push myself... it's hard to get up and get ready... am i lazy?

have you heard of Sylvia Brown? well... she's a psychic... i read her book "the Other Side"... and i agree with it. that is the ONE thing that eased my mind over death. the thought of never seeing Chadd again is what makes me feel crazy... upsets me, and gives me that anxiety that i hate. worrying. that's me. I'm not like it all the time anymore... you can tell beause i almost never blog. surprise. but when I do, i guess it's lengthy and detailed...

zach. wow.... he's just like chadd... and if scares the shit out of me... to let myself get THIS close. they have one main difference... as they are/were both my best friend... zach is my lover... my boyfriend, and hopefully someday, my husband... while chadd was meerly a best friend. so maybe it's a good assumption that if i were to lose zach, it'd be just like losing chadd all over again. i'm just glad i found someone like it... zach reminds me of chadd in many ways, the good ways, pushing, supportive, loving... i'm so lucky to have found it again. wow...

of all the bad shit about my childhood... the parents, siblings, friends, or lack thereove.... between chadd, janel, and zach... i belive my life has pretty much evened itself out... kharma... something i believe heavily in. also change... that's something that I can't seem to get over. every, single, thing changes. and i hate it... but i'm used to it. i expect everything bad to happen, so when good things happen, i treasure it... and maybe that's why i love pictures so much... it stops that moment in time when something happy was occuring... something i'd like to remember... because that's just one of my happy moments... and my sad ones just get stuck in my head... by the way... i don't have a picture of chadd. yeah... the one person that changed my life... that just sucks. god... i could go on and on... and on and on... and more probably... but i'm okay for the moment... so i'm gunna go see my man...

<3~heather