i can't figure out where to start. went to rockfest june 10th--got stoned out of my mind--on purpose. what's the use of keeping things inside, and since i'm a girl, shouldn't i not do that... i usually don't... but maybe i'm a freak for letting these things eat into me... chadd... if you know me, you know about him, and his influence on me. june 10th... four years. four. four... and it's not any easier. every year the same thing.... god, so muich is rushing through my mind, i can't even type half of it. all these songs remind me of the way i should feel about him being gone... so i cry some more... it feels good to just cry. no one knows i'm upset, or if they do, they don't know why. i guess if they wanna know more about me, they can read these things i type. maybe i shouldn't be so personal about it, but... it's just some things that hurt me, or some things that i'm so happy about i don't want to keep it in. mostly things that i have kept in that i shouldn't--this is my way to get it out. like about chadd... what was he to me... you know... what was he, why do i feel like this? he was my friend... not my lover, boyfriend... but he was my best friend. someone i relied upon to hold me up... it had to be him. no one else was strong enough to do it... defanitly not me... but right now... after how he's changed me, he completly changed my outlook, and made me very... outgoing. and i could give a shit less what people think... now. before him i was self concious and wouldn't do ANYTHING new for fear of how i looked, or other people thought... well fuck that. and maybe i miss being held up... maybe i miss someone calling me at midnight to say "hey, you doin' alright?" just for the hell of it. someone saying "get your ass out of bed, we're going to the creek"... and if i said no, he'd come get me up and make me go. spontanaety. something that i can't duplicate. i don't like being the spontaneous one... being the one to push people. but that's me now... i had to take over. just sometimes, times like these... it's hard to push myself... it's hard to get up and get ready... am i lazy?

have you heard of Sylvia Brown? well... she's a psychic... i read her book "the Other Side"... and i agree with it. that is the ONE thing that eased my mind over death. the thought of never seeing Chadd again is what makes me feel crazy... upsets me, and gives me that anxiety that i hate. worrying. that's me. I'm not like it all the time anymore... you can tell beause i almost never blog. surprise. but when I do, i guess it's lengthy and detailed...

zach. wow.... he's just like chadd... and if scares the shit out of me... to let myself get THIS close. they have one main difference... as they are/were both my best friend... zach is my lover... my boyfriend, and hopefully someday, my husband... while chadd was meerly a best friend. so maybe it's a good assumption that if i were to lose zach, it'd be just like losing chadd all over again. i'm just glad i found someone like it... zach reminds me of chadd in many ways, the good ways, pushing, supportive, loving... i'm so lucky to have found it again. wow...

of all the bad shit about my childhood... the parents, siblings, friends, or lack thereove.... between chadd, janel, and zach... i belive my life has pretty much evened itself out... kharma... something i believe heavily in. also change... that's something that I can't seem to get over. every, single, thing changes. and i hate it... but i'm used to it. i expect everything bad to happen, so when good things happen, i treasure it... and maybe that's why i love pictures so much... it stops that moment in time when something happy was occuring... something i'd like to remember... because that's just one of my happy moments... and my sad ones just get stuck in my head... by the way... i don't have a picture of chadd. yeah... the one person that changed my life... that just sucks. god... i could go on and on... and on and on... and more probably... but i'm okay for the moment... so i'm gunna go see my man...

<3~heather