sometimes i'm alright... others i'm in pieces. reeces pieces. (ha ha.)

lets move on with about my day.... i called shaun to tell him i was taking a shower (so he knew and didn't just bring em over early or anything). i decided i would wait... by the time i got out, em came and busted open the bathroom door... jeeze i love that kid.

we danced for quite a while to my dan dyer cd - www.dandyer.com - he's awesome, it's "pick me up" music... and since i met him, he picks me up even higher. em and i did nothing all night. we played, laughed, danced, watched some cartoons, and she even took an okay nap. tonight at like 11.30pm i was looking out my front window, and a buck was coming through the field across from my house... knowing the deer, i went out back to watch them pass by. the two doe's ran off, then came back, they all three just walked into my yard and watched me for a while. of course, i had em come out and we watched the deer watch us for about 15 min. that was a nice moment in today.

well before we went out to see the deer, shaun called and said he might have to work late, but he'd call me and confirm it. it's 1.35am, he still hasn't called-he gets off at 11.30pm. i know the feeling of him doing something wrong--it's in the pit of my stomach. only now, it wouldn't he him doing much of anything wrong except lying to me so i'd keep emilee. this feeling is hitting me damn hard too-it could just drive me insane, and yeah, i could drive to his work to prove it, but from now on, i'm going to trust my instinct. then tomorrow, i'll simply explain to him that i'm not his girlfriend, and if he's going out and i need to watch emilee, he needs to be straight with me. then again-shaun harmon is a liar... a pretty good one. he's lied to me since the day i met him. i will share with you the first lie he told me. i simply asked if he would come with me on a "date" one weekend (the destination isn't real clear, but i suppose that's not the point.) when i asked him, he told me that he couldn't come, because he was going with his mother... to visit his aunt in hannibal... because she has cancer. (two weekends in a row.)..... because his aunt... has cancer. sure, i believed him, then about a year later i found out why he really couldn't go with me... but i'll leave that part my little secret.

i do believe shaun has it in him to be a great father... i really do. but i also believe that his defenition of being a good father, and mine, are somewhat different. my father worked out of town during the week, and would party on the weekends.... i love my dad, yeah, i'm a daddy's girl... but he wasn't a great father. shaun believes if he merely see's emilee, and pays the bills and provides for her, he is being a good dad. *sighs*. paying the bills is important (of course) but play with your children, take them places... and you don't have to spend money to take them places. i'm broke, and i take em everywhere i can. i want so much to be a great mother to her. i wish only for happiness and love for her.

ON A BETTER NOTE *whistles* -- tomorrow i'm going to the f*bombs >>www.fbombs.com<< concert at the blue note >>www.thebluenote.com<<, in columbia!!! i have been looking forward to this for a month!!! janel is coming over to do my nails *yay*! i need, so much, to feel pretty again... i kinda wanna cut my hair short (like sharon stone) so i can have a cute little mohawk like she had on VH1 the other night... janel would kill me. right now i'm just sitting here... in a daze i know tomorrow i won't be able to sleep in... i have em, and so i'm dreading it... in all logicallity (is that a word?) i should realize that i'm not going to be able to sleep in, but i'm too stubborn to go to bed. i will not go to bed. but i will end this for tonight... expect another post tomorrow...

love~heather