I haven't bloged in FOREVER... I don't have much time lately... who am I kidding. I have the time, I don't have the thoughts. I like to blog when I'm in a particular mood... mad or happy, either one of those will do. At this moment i'm in more of a "lets let them know what's going on in as many words as possible" mood. I seem to elongate my sentences, run-on, and just blurt out the first thing that pops into my head. I could talk about jake enough to fill 3 pages, I could talk about Em, I could talk about what I've been doing, my job, money, car, friends, food, or whatever... soooo I suppose I will... in whatever order my little mind see's fit in doing so. There may be an overabundance in "Jake" sentences... so just smile, be happy for me, and go on...

Yesturday was Mothers day... it was okay. Shaun let Em draw me a picture... that was nice of him. I asked him to get her ready and he grabs some crayons and lets her go at it... I don't even think the thought counted in that one. I think maybe I've lost like 3 lbs, so that's good. I work at Hoods and Gerbes now. I answer the phones at both stores, so sometimes I have to stop and think where I am and how to answer it. If the phone rings at home it sounds funny to just say "Hello." or is it more of a "Hello?" since I don't have caller ID? I suppose if my "intuition" kicks in, I'll just simply say "Hello!" and hear Janel or Jake on the other end of the line. I have been cooking a lot lately. Mainly when Jake is here... if he's not I just don't get the feeling to cook... It seems to please him when I cook for him. I hope I can learn more stuff to cook though. I'll probably just try to think of what my mom used to cook for me... all of those things were lovely. Jake told me something yesturday, and I'm not really sure how I want to feel about it. Okay, so me living at home... this place is a mess, all the time. Due to lack of space, my 2 year old daughter, and my 16 year old bitch of a sister. I cannot keep up, I have to realize this and just let go sometimes. Stress is something I am trying to diminish from my life. He told me his room is like the picture of a hotel room. He always makes his bed etc... I make my bed probably 70% of the time... I do have cloths on my floor sometimes (even though I try not to... when I'm in a hurry, because I am female, I have to change my mind at the last second as to what I will wear for the day, and run out of time in the mornings--sue me.) Having no space and a 2 year old in my room also requires that it stay at least a little messy... sometimes, on the other hand, I let it get "a lot" messy, and okay... that's bad. But I'm kinda freaked out as to how I should feel if I move in with him. If we get our own place, will he expect me to be as "perfect" (for lack of a better word) as he is?? That worries me. Now, when I lived with Shaun-although we had lived in this house and it was not very clean, I did keep his apartment pretty well picked up and clean--especially if he was there. So I'm not too worried about it... but... I like to feel like I'm comfortable, and at "home"... I haven't had that feeling since I moved out of my dads house in 2001. In fact... I just FINALLY got that feeling back when I moved in the basement about 2 months ago-I don't feel like losing it ever again. Em says EVERYTHING now, if she hears you say it, she will say it back. She sings "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with me now--hoooow cute!? She's such a good kid. I have a new favorite drink- Parrot Bay Coconut Rum and Pineapple Juice with a cherry. *Yummm* I drink it when we go out. Saturday Janel, her mom, and I went to the Cardnials game--we had fun, but they lost. The almost always lose when I go there... except once, they did win. I've been to like 5 games--maybe six. I know it's not very many--but I love going up there, and I really enjoy doing it. It's just expensive, and 2 hrs. away. Last night Jake and I sat out on the porch-it was the highlight of my Mother's day.. spending it w/ him. We drank and smoked... it was a fun night. The way I love him is so incredible. He makes me so happy.... he always makes me smile. I thought I had already had the love of my life... A guy I trusted no matter what, I felt safe with (only b/c he didn't do anything to require other feelings for), and that I could talk to. Well.... I am SO glad I was wrong. I trust Jake... it scares me b/c I trust him so much. I can tell him anything, and talk to him about everything. I feel so safe with him... I don't think he'd ever let anyone hurt me again. I can be MYSELF around him... and trust me-I'm a HUGE dork... and very stupid at times... he just looks at me with so much love in his eyes, smiles a huge smile, reaches for me and holds me--he loves me. He likes it when I cook for him--I'm not the BEST cook, but I don't do too bad-and he likes it. He makes me feel like I'm worth something. Coming from a 4 year relationship where I was nothing, had nothing, was treated like nothing... feeling this way... it's undescribable. I'm worried how his family will treat me... I don't feel that I'm as good as them, but at the same time, I feel like I don't give a shit because I'm just me. That's my little punk rock princess shining through... I wish she'd show up more often lol... I could go on and on, but I want to try to find a few poems I wrote.... Take Care, Find Love, Keep Happiness.~Heather