sooo i could say "i'm not broken".... I think I am. my boyfriend doesn't give a shit whether or not he has me... and that kinda tears me up. Yeah... it's because he's divorced, and here I am, thinking I NEVER... EVER wanna be w/ a divorced guy ever again. I have to repeat to myself, "not all divorced guys are this broken"... why is he so bad?? He revealed to me last night that he treated his ex-wife like a "queen"... and i said "well, why cant' you at least treat me decent?"... I am like his "fuck-buddy", that just so happens to live w/ him. How convenient.

I'm getting anxiety really bad lately... I had it so bad in high school that I became lactose intolerant... no milk, dairy, etc. it sucked... but i lost a lot of weight b/c i had to cut back on almsot everything (including most candy...) so maybe it's a good thing...

I want flowers... a call to say "hey, i was just thinking about you", a note when i get up for work and see "have a good day".... and once I have these things... wouldn't you know... I wouldn't know what a great thing I had. One man I know would do that.... take me to dinner, call me and wish me a great day.... wish me the best... and bring me the cute little stuffed animal I awed over in the super market a week before. I can't hang onto him forever, but for some reason, I can't let him go. Maybe it will be easier once I find someone that can take his place... I won't forget him, or what we had... It will just be so much easier to know he won't take me back.... I could live with it.

I am a good person. I love everyone. I be nice to everyone. I treat everyone how I want to be treated. But... I hold things in. I try not to hurt people. I get walked on more than most people because I love too deeply.

My heart is breaking... I'm more lost that I'd like to admit.... and no, I can't ask for directions, there is no one around. I feel sick a lot now. I cry b/c I miss Shaun... Three nights ago he said "see how good you had it with me"... yeah Shaun... I do see... and sometimes I miss it... sometimes I cry... but you held me down... i missed being me while I was with you...

If you haven't noticed, my mind jumps from subject to subject... as it passes through each subject, i change moods almost instantly... I could cry, then smile... That's just how I work.. maybe someday you'll be able to read this as I type it...

Good luck in Love... Smile... and be happy... most most of all... be youself.

Love~me

Some good things:

It's snowing... the air was crisp today... it felt good... I kissed Houston like I sat and waited for him on the couch all day... I had Pizza for lunch. Gilbert called me... I missed him. I found my earrings. I spent an hour with Shaun and we didn't argue. I played with Emilee.... the best part of today, and every day... I get to be a mom.